Ferdinand: O heaven! O earth! Bear witness to this sound,
And crown what I confess with kind event,
If I speak true! If hollowly, invert
What best is boded me to mischief! I,
Beyond all limit of what else i' the world
Do love, prize, honour you.
The Tempest, Act III, Scene I
Maybe it was because Miranda was the only woman in William Shakespeare's The Tempest. Maybe it was the repeated theme of dreams and waking from them. Maybe it was the magical island or Prospero's slaves.
Or maybe I just had enough of it all.
Two weeks ago I asked a question that I'd never bothered to ask:
Do you love me?
And B, sputtered into the phone.."well, well let's see...uhhh..I can't really uh answer that because well, I don't really know what that means."
"Its really quite simple, do you love me? Yes or no."
"No, I don't love you, I don't think I ever will."
Something clicked deep inside of me, like a window being opened or curtains parted to let the sunlight in. There was a great shift, an aligning of the planets. I was Prospero's Ariel, and his truth had set me free.
I took a week to really think about what I needed to do, this man didn't love me and I'd tried so hard for a long time to make him love me. I've been unhappy. I had exactly what I wanted and I wasn't pleased by any of it. I didn't cry, I didn't lose any sleep over it. I laughed and relaxed some, I was happy for a solid week of no contact with him. My stomach stopped aching and I stopped having headaches. I wrote a one act play that I loved and listened to a lot of music. I read poetry.
It was quite obvious that it was time to let go.
And so I did. I proposed a clean break; no contact whatsoever. It seemed harsh but when the well has been poisoned its time to drink from a new source. I told him that I would always love him and part of me would always be with him. I said I was ready to let go, that he needed to do the same. I said that if he cared any bit about me he'd just let me go.
And that's the last I've heard of him.
Last night I finished The Tempest. Miranda has her Ferdinand, Prospero has given up his magic, Ariel has been set free, and the Crew of the ship have awakened from their sleep.
And so have I.
We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
Prospero, Act IV, Scene I
9 comments:
Oh. Wow. I got chills just now. Good for you! And I really mean that: Good. For. You.
Hello dear niece! I just got back from a vacation in Florida. And was visiting my regular internet sites. I read this blog. I hope there is some way that you can highlight this particular entry. Come back to visit it in a few years and this entry will be even more freeing. Be thankful that he was honest with you...Now, go out there and live it like you mean it!
Bug, all I can say is its about time..now I'm dealing with the anger at myself for letting it go on for so long..I'm trying very hard not to be bitter about it..but why oh why did I waste my precious-sweet time?
Aunt Sarah, I hope you had a great time in Florida! As the colder days roll in I'm sure that was a nice respite from the chill. I hope there will be pictures posted somewhere.
As for living life like I mean it..that's me.I just figured loneliness was much easer to live with than heartbreak. But really, I'm not all that lonely.
I don't know that it was a waste - I think you've learned a LOT through this process.
As I was thinking about your situation I realized that this new EP I got has a few songs that seem to be written by you :) It's by Annie Parsons, a singer/songwriter in Nashville. I "advertised" it on my last random dozen post on Wednesday. Anyway, the fourth song on the disk is called "Wish That I Was" (that's also the name of the EP) & one of the lines is:
I'd rather be alone . . . than wish that I was...
and another one is:
I've been afraid you'd leave me lonely, but I've been lonely for a long long time...
I don't know - sounds like an appropriately melancholy anthem for getting away from something bad for you & moving toward the light.
you can never be lonely when so many awesome people (fictional and visceral) around you :)
i was inspired by you and i have ordered henry iv, part 1 - going to try and read me some shakespeare in roughly chronological order!
Bug,
There is a great line from Sonya Sanchez that I adore: "I have become a collector of me." If anything has come out of this, it is a fierce love of myself and my freedom. Not in the sense of vanity but in the sense of self preservation.
I think I'm just beginning to really like myself for the first time in my entire life.
I am going to check Annie Parsons out now. Thanks for all your input.
Jessie, you'll love reading Shakespeare's works. You know what amazes me the most? How I can relate anything going on in my life to the play I'm reading! That's why Shakespeare's work is so timeless and relevent.
i just wrote that wonderful sonya sanchez quote down!
besides the play reading i'm also thinking of starting to re-read some of my older "i love them" books... something i haven't done in a LONG time
Post a Comment